Thanks, Aunt Sally!

[slemslempike]

Dear Aunt Sally:

"I have a self-harming issue. I’ve hurt myself in the past when I’ve been upset with myself or others — or angry about anything at all. Recently, I’ve done it for no reason — just because it makes me feel alive, I guess. My friend has a similar problem. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I feel alone and isolated and have withdrawn from friends and family. Because I’m only 15, people don’t realise I feel this way. I’ve become increasingly frustrated with my parents, particularly my mum, as I seem to get blamed for pretty much everything and told I’m wrong (I am bisexual)."

Poor child, seeking help for self-harm. At least Sally Brompton knows how to respond to this this:

"As for feeling you’re bisexual, that’s a normal stage of adolescent development. I’m not trying to minimise your feelings, but I have a 17-year-old daughter and, at exactly your age, many of her group decided they were bisexual and some experimented with self-harming. Right now, you’re trying to feel your way into an identity, and part of that identity is your sexuality. It’s a really difficult age (and not because you’re difficult), because all the big issues about who you are come together with a mix of unsettling hormones. Two years on, my daughter’s group of friends are dating boys and have stopped self-harming."

Oh good! I think the letter-writer was worried that she might have to keep liking girls, and now she knows that everyone else was right and she really is just showing off to get attention, and she ONLY likes boys, just like EVERYONE ELSE. I am glad that Sally saw through the letter that purported to be about self-harm and managed to focus on the really pressing issue of reassuring her that she's probably straight. YAY.

Comments

[medland.livejournal.com]

It's odd her advice was so stupid. She's normally very good at what she does, imho. I have her book about the depression she suffered and how she attempted to come through it and it is excellent. The only fault I have with it is how much she bashes the NHS but, having been through the mental health system myself, I can't really hold that against her!

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

Her advice actually about self-harm was quite good, but then suddenly she added in this bit and ruined it. I didn't know she had written anything about depression, I just picked up a piece of the Times in my parents' house and found myself enraged.

[medland.livejournal.com]

It's here. I found it really helpful. It's the only book about depression I've read that hasn't made me want to fling the book and the author out of the window.

[frightened.livejournal.com]

Oh, her. Having read her book, tbh, I'm not surprised if her advice is wildly hit and miss. The book was kind of "sensible-sensible-sensible-YAY-ACUPUNCTURE!!!1111"

I do agree that, compared to most books about depression, it's very good. The lack of self-indulgence is nice.

Have you read Andrew Solomon's The Noonday Demon? It's the closest I've found to a book that actually explains stuff and living with the damn thing and goes beyond Depression 101.

[iliketea.livejournal.com]

Oh good GRIEF.

(Have also read SB's book on depression and surprised that she would give such idiotic advice.)

I am not liking the idea of 'experimenting with self-harming' and almost conflating it with sexual experimentation. No no no. And, seriously, since when is it a normal stage of adolescent development to consider oneself bisexual (as opposed to occasionally thinking, 'oooh, wonder what it would be like to kiss someone of the - GASP! - same gender?'). The girl has said she IS, she's not ASKING about it.

I hope her friend is female and that they can snuggle together and solve their self-injury issues via the magical healing power of lesbian sex.

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

I am interested that she's quite good about depression - her actual self-harming advice seems pretty good too, but the conflation, as you say, is not remotely acceptable. She completely ignores "I am bisexual" and decides it's about how she feels.

That would be a nice outcome. Yes.

[nerdcakes.livejournal.com]

I love the bit where she claims that the girl has DECIDED she's bisexual. As if bisexual people don't have enough problems with people claiming their orientation doesn't exist in the first place, without having other people act as GATEKEEPERS TO BISEXUALITY. And the focus on the bisexuality rather than the main content of the letter is just rub. Bah.

[nerdcakes.livejournal.com]

(Oh, I just read the full article and I hadn't realised that she addressed the self-harm thing in the bulk of it. NEVERTHELESS, her attitude to teen sexuality is still rub.)

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

It is important that people act as gatekeepers, so that people don't ACCIDENTALLY stop being heterosexual, which is a terrible, terrible tragedy. But it's okay! Lots of her daughter's friends date boys, which as any fule kno is incompatible with bisexuality!

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

Surely the important question here is how can straight self-harmers be cured if they don't have an erroneous concept of their sexuality which can magically vanish along with the cutting? I think you have forgotten that this is actually all about the straight people and I feel MARGINALISED and OFFENDED.

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

I AM SORRY THAT YOU HAVE BEEN MARGINALISED. Maybe you could have an erroneous concept of your age instead? You're probably actually FIFTY.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

Now once I check my birth certificate and realise what a silly adolescent phase being fifty was, my skin will remain intact and acceptable! Thank goodness I am a proper woman, ie both heterosexual and pre-menopause! Why would I even want to cut myself when I could just buy a nice frock?

[serriadh.livejournal.com]

Or some shoes! Perhaps you could distract yourself from your experiments in self-harm with a nice pair of shoez?

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

Ooh, can they be the sort that make the balls of my feet go on fire? Then I won't need to cut myself!

[serriadh.livejournal.com]

Yes, they could be. Remember you have to hurt yourself in societally approved ways. You could wear really tight clothes, or go on a permanent 'diet' and starve yourself (BUT DON'T BE AN ANOREXIC!) as well.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

Can I have one of those metabolisms that mean I just happen to be naturally 5'11" and a size 0.5 so I can tell people how awful it is to eat gallons of ice cream and stay thin and have to be a model. I love those.

[gair.livejournal.com]

It is in fact this comment that wins the internets.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

I now have more kitten videos than I know what to do with. This is excellent.

[frightened.livejournal.com]

This comment wins the internets, and we can all go home.

[edithmatilda.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Now I have this internets I shall cause CHAOS by filling it with porn and pictures of kittens! Mwa ha!

[whatho.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad I don't have an Aunt Sally.

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

Me too.

[frightened.livejournal.com]

CHRIST ON A MOTHERFUCKING BIKE.

Oh dear, ever wish you could just reach through the internet and hug someone? (And, in the case of Aunt Sally, punch someone?)

Edited to add: Now I know who the woman is, I feel the need to point out that she did used to edit women's lifestyle magazines, those well-known bastions of self-acceptance and sexual liberation.

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, ever wish you could just reach through the internet and hug someone? (And, in the case of Aunt Sally, punch someone?)

FREQUENTLY. I was quite surprised, I thought it was going to be just a normal sort of advice column saying all the normal things about self-harm, and then suddenly I was learning that maybe one day I would grow out of bisexuality.

[leedy.livejournal.com]

GOOD CHRIST. I am so relieved that her daughter recovered from self-harming AND that shocking girl-fancying business.

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

It must be difficult being told you're wrong all the time, dear, but you are WRONG. No girls for you!

[ex-rita.livejournal.com]

Bisexuality is a normal adolescent phase, huh. Where were all these bisexuals when I was a teen? Why did I go around feeling estranged and weird instead?