slemslempike | And Stewart Lee again tonight.

Yesterday I did a bit of work (but not enough) then was summoned back home by the promise to play Trivial Pursuit, which happened, and I won. Then I left the others alone for FIVE MINUTES and returned to find an evening of TNG ahead of me, with occasional interludes of despair at the impending doom of the entire world. I tried to read and found myself counting how many words on each line of text instead. This is not a pleasing development.

Today started promisingly by finding my phone under a cushion, discovering my house keys had been found at the sports centre, and then enjoying a near-empty pool entirely devoid of fuckwits. I am hoping to fulfill this promise by not only meeting my deadline today, but doing so with a piece of work that is not utterly shit. I intend to get on that right away, but first - the wisdom of Dr Alexander Gunn.

Dr Gunn needs to warn you:

"A student is intelligent, cunning and dangerous in anger because he or she may react like an overgrown child in a tantrum."

Dr Gunn has some reservations about the intelligence of female students:

"some writers [...] identify risk with femininity - and assert, not without some evidence, that the more 'female' the girl the more likely she is to have poor academic motivation and eventually to withdraw"

Dr Gunn is concerned that foreign students may be lonely in vacations when their British colleagues have left campus:

"Among one of the more dangerous consequences of this situation is that of meeting with sexual partners of inadequate social standard. The 'town girl' may be their only sexual contact and as such perhaps offer them a distorted view for life of the culture in which them find themselves 'guests'."

Dr Gunn knows it is not just foreigners who have to fear the working classes:

"The lower economic-class male may often appear to be uninvolved emotionally with their girls although they may be having intercourse with them. Open aggression may be a feature of their sexual elationships and they may see nothing wrong in brutalising, hitting or abusing her. It is the 'manly' thing not to be 'soft' on a girl."

Dr Gunn knows how lice are spread:

"Given the chance of finding a college bedroom they will take it, and leave their parasites for the unsuspecting owner; or else a girl will pass them on as part of the price of a few minutes' pleasure."

Dr Gunn is sympathetic to ~~dirty whores~~ promiscuous girls:

"Her relationship with a boy may not be with him as a person but as a source of comfort. 'She takes the boy's penis into her vagina as the infant sucks its thumb'."

Dr Gunn likes to express his sympathy physically:

"To the present-day student hair 'fashions' are as basic to their social setting as ribbons of rank are to the world of hte military. It may be surprising to some to note that, in the author's experience at least, the long hair of the student is often exceptionally clean."

Dr Gunn reflects that loose morals are by no means unique to today's youth:

"There has always been and always will be the small minority who deliberately debase the sexual act and themselves by promiscuous behaviour"

Dr Gunn is reassuring about homosexuality:

"Physically bigger and better developed boys often teach smaller ones to masturbate, and moreover there is for the smaller ones a need to belong to the 'group'. This no more turns otherwise healthy boys into permanent homosexuals than having a 'crush' on the agile gym mistress turns younger girls into lesbians"

Dr Gunn worries about what brutal fates await students who drop out of their courses:

"The ex-student is a tragic but, at times, dangerous figure.[...] Child-minding, adventure playground supervising, working for agencies that care for the elderly, the handicapped, the ill-housed, the underfed or the politically underprivileged, all attract the student who failed, as if they are, by devoting themselves to such charitable enterprises, atoning for heir own mistakes and doing 'something useful in society'. Rarely does the ex-student prove himself or herself with feats of great endeavour int he commercial world"
But Dr Gunn has good news for genderqueer students, as they are apparently more successful at completing their degrees than those who are content in the gender binary:

In all, then, 86.7 per cent of UK undergraduates graduated in 1968. Men were 76.2 per cent successful, women 81.7 per cent"

Dr Gunn informs us that dysmenorrhoea is largely psychological, and "scanty losses make her feel she is not a 'whole woman'." However, Dr Gunn has seen some very odd rainbows in his time:

"Vaginal discharges, like menstruation, can vary with a rainbow-like character. From the normal opalescent secretions that most girls experience, particularly pre-menstrually, to thick yellowish and offensive curdy deposits causing extreme discomfort and irritation, the whole range is seen."