Audit Commission

[slemslempike]

Even if I wanted to apply to the Audit Commission, which I'm fairly sure I don't, I think the fact that they refer to people who want to apply as "missionaries" would completely put me off. They seem to be going for a secret agent type "here is your mission" thing with the site, but rather than calling people "agents", have instead gone for something that for me at least conjures up the image of Victorians bustling into other cultures, forcefully demanding that people follow their rules and not their own, and patronising the hell out of them.

Also, their FAQs (and actually most of the information) are only available in video format, which is probably just what you want when you're sneakily trying to apply for a job from an existing employer, and while the information seems to be available in various places elsewhere on the site, there's nowhere with it all written down at once. Are they deliberately trying to exclude deaf applicants? I am also delighted that their deeply uninformative "diversity" page includes "musical taste" but not gender.

So after looking at their recruitment website, I still don't have any real idea what an auditor does, but I am fairly sure that I wouldn't want to do it. Some form of success, I suppose.

Comments

[whatho.livejournal.com]

Don't work for them. They look rubbish. Missionaries is a bizarre choice of term.

I've been doing a spot of imaginary jobseeking, which is better than real jobseeking in that you don't have to go outside or generally do any sort of work. What I mean is I've been thinking I'd quite like to be a carpenter if I knew anything about wood, or a fisherperson if it were slightly less dangerous and I knew anything about boats and didn't mind killing fish. Mostly I've been thinking I wish I knew things.

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

If I'd taken a different path perhaps I could apply to be a French Polisher/Sign Writer at the Houses of Parliament.

Other job titles I wish I could have:

Solution Architect
Explosive Atmospheres Engineer
Senior Petrolleum Measurement Inspector
Principal Inspector of Mines

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

I have always wanted to be a kitten wrangler myself. You know all those posters of kittens in baskets/wine glasses/drawers etc. Well somebody must acquire and arrange said kittens. It should be me!

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

But maybe they'd expect you to wrangle a broader set of animals? Kittens fine (if you like that sort of thing), but what about arranging slugs etc?

[slightlyfoxed.livejournal.com]

When did you last see a motivational poster with slugs on it, though?

(If I knew how to use the Paint-style software on this laptop, you would be looking at a little heap of slugs saying 'FLEXIBILITY: Just ignore it when people call you spineless' or similar.)

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

That would be GREAT. I deeply regret your lack, as it has now become my lack too.

[nerdcakes.livejournal.com]

ALTERNATIVE PLAN: become an ACTUAL secret agent.

(Actually, a while ago someone on my flist said "oh, btw, my application for MI5 was rejected so I guess I can talk about that now!" For some reason in all my secret agent fantasies it never occured to me that I wouldn't be able to TALK INCESSANTLY about my job to anyone who'd listen. So I guess that's one career path out of the window. BOO.)

I bet the audit commision is doing evil. They've gone to such insane lengths to conceal the true nature of their job, it can't be remotely good.

[slemslempike.livejournal.com]

I would be a RUBBISH secret agent. I like talking about things too much, and also I suspect I am not all that surreptitious in my movements. But I did know that you weren't allowed to talk about it, because I looked at the graduate application form before realising I had none of the skills that they wanted.